All The Feels Effect All Of Us

I want to talk about a very challenging subject for me, and one that is often overlooked in regards to patients with chronic illnesses.

My chronic illness is not just mine. It touches everyone close to me, some more deeply than others. It seeps into every nook and cranny of my life, and theirs.

This results in a myriad of feelings from me and those closest to me.

I struggle with so much guilt, it is like a heavy burden I carry on my back every day. Guilt that I cannot provide what a mother is supposed to provide for her children-cooking meals, keeping house, participating in events. Guilt that I cannot provide what a wife is supposed to provide for her husband-keeping house, meeting his physical needs, caring for the children, grocery shopping. Guilt when I have to cancel plans with friends. Guilt that I have not made it to church in months.




I know my husband and children experience feelings of resentment at times. It is normal and natural when your life does not look like the lives of those around you, it is typical to look for someone to blame, and I am the natural culprit. I do not hold this against them. I love them too much to deny them the right to mourn the life they could have had if were not for this ugly monster called chronic illness.

I feel frustrated with many things-my body, my mind, the healthcare system, my family, and even God sometimes. I wish my body would just cooperate and the pain would just stop. I wish my mind could push through the pain and exhaustion and convince my body to just keep going. Don't even get me started on the healthcare system. I get frustrated with my family sometimes, when I feel like they don't understand or lack the compassion I desire from them. I get frustrated with God because I feel weak, not strong like so many of my fellow illness-warriors. I don't understand why He chose this path for me because I feel like I can't do anything for Him in this condition.



Chronic pain and illness, by default, usually leads the sufferer to depression. But it can also cause this issue with family members who have to watch their loved one suffer each day. This is not just a feeling-it is a serious condition and I encourage you to seek professional help if you feel that you or someone you love is suffering from depression.



Lately, I have been struggling desperately with all of these feelings. It has caused tension, arguments, and bickering in our home-which usually leads to more guilt on my part since I feel I am the root cause.  This is a troubled and weary road we are walking right now. I find myself short-tempered and angry far too often. I hear the words and the tone of my words and I cringe, yet I can't seem to stop them.

Hope is in short supply, but it is never completely gone. God is always good.

Stay tuned for an update from my appointment with the specialty clinic at UNC-Chapel Hill on 2/29/16. I am hoping this will be the place we find some answers.

Blessings,
Meri