A Time To Rest

I know some amazing women. Women who struggle with chronic illness, but push through the pain and exhaustion and accomplish amazing things.

Right now, I don't feel like one of those women. I feel weak and tired and worn.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."

I believe that this is my time to rest. To heal. To recognize my physical and emotional limits and respect those limits.

Rest is an important part of our lives, both physical and spiritual. God encourages us to rest, to be still and let Him take our burdens.

I am weary. I am have carried the burden of guilt and frustration associated with the symptoms of chronic illness for so very long, I am worn thin.

Every season in life has a purpose. Sometimes we have a hard time understanding what God's purpose is for us in a particular season, so he uses outside "clues" to let us know.

Rest is an important part of healing. And while I know that nothing short of a miracle will "cure" my illness (hence the term "chronic"), I do know that there are things I can do to improve my quality of life, and right now-that is rest.

Blessings,
Meri

All The Feels Effect All Of Us

I want to talk about a very challenging subject for me, and one that is often overlooked in regards to patients with chronic illnesses.

My chronic illness is not just mine. It touches everyone close to me, some more deeply than others. It seeps into every nook and cranny of my life, and theirs.

This results in a myriad of feelings from me and those closest to me.

I struggle with so much guilt, it is like a heavy burden I carry on my back every day. Guilt that I cannot provide what a mother is supposed to provide for her children-cooking meals, keeping house, participating in events. Guilt that I cannot provide what a wife is supposed to provide for her husband-keeping house, meeting his physical needs, caring for the children, grocery shopping. Guilt when I have to cancel plans with friends. Guilt that I have not made it to church in months.




I know my husband and children experience feelings of resentment at times. It is normal and natural when your life does not look like the lives of those around you, it is typical to look for someone to blame, and I am the natural culprit. I do not hold this against them. I love them too much to deny them the right to mourn the life they could have had if were not for this ugly monster called chronic illness.

I feel frustrated with many things-my body, my mind, the healthcare system, my family, and even God sometimes. I wish my body would just cooperate and the pain would just stop. I wish my mind could push through the pain and exhaustion and convince my body to just keep going. Don't even get me started on the healthcare system. I get frustrated with my family sometimes, when I feel like they don't understand or lack the compassion I desire from them. I get frustrated with God because I feel weak, not strong like so many of my fellow illness-warriors. I don't understand why He chose this path for me because I feel like I can't do anything for Him in this condition.



Chronic pain and illness, by default, usually leads the sufferer to depression. But it can also cause this issue with family members who have to watch their loved one suffer each day. This is not just a feeling-it is a serious condition and I encourage you to seek professional help if you feel that you or someone you love is suffering from depression.



Lately, I have been struggling desperately with all of these feelings. It has caused tension, arguments, and bickering in our home-which usually leads to more guilt on my part since I feel I am the root cause.  This is a troubled and weary road we are walking right now. I find myself short-tempered and angry far too often. I hear the words and the tone of my words and I cringe, yet I can't seem to stop them.

Hope is in short supply, but it is never completely gone. God is always good.

Stay tuned for an update from my appointment with the specialty clinic at UNC-Chapel Hill on 2/29/16. I am hoping this will be the place we find some answers.

Blessings,
Meri

Great Expectations

I think sometimes we expect too much from our doctors and nurses, forgetting that they, too, are human-just with a little more education than most of us.

So when I went to Women's Hospital of Greensboro on Friday night (2/12/16), I was hoping for some new answers, or at least a new treatment plan. After so many ER, doctor, specialist, and clinic appointments, you get to a point where you feel like you have tried it all.

First, a little background on how I ended up at Women's on that Friday night to begin with....

I have fallen into something of a doughnut hole of healthcare-released by my GYN surgeon because there is no further surgical intervention to be done at this time, and waiting for an appointment at the Pelvic Pain Clinic at UNC-Chapel Hill (which could take several weeks, even months).  In the meantime, I am still suffering from intractable and yet unidentifiable pelvic pain, but now with no one to treat it.

So my insurance company suggested I follow up with my regular GYN who suggested that if my pain was not controlled with what I had at home (ibuprofen and acetaminophen) that I go to Women's Hospital of Greensboro for treatment. So I did.

This is the first hospital that looked at me and said, "Yes, we want to treat your pain, but we also want to come up with a plan to keep your pain managed and you out of the ER until you can get in with UNC-Chapel Hill".  Did I hear that correctly?  They cared more about just getting me treated and out of the ER that night? For the first time in weeks, I had hope again....just a little, but it was there nonetheless.

I spoke with a wonderful Nurse Midwife who spoke with my GYN (who happened to be on call that night). They agreed that some tests were needed to make sure there were no major changes since my D&C/Biopsy procedure on 2/4/16, but they were also kind enough to recognize the level of pain I was in and administer some IM (intramuscular) pain medication BEFORE those tests.

Thankfully, everything came back clear.

I was given a prescription for pain meds and instructed to follow up with my regular GYN who will follow me and manage my pain until I am able to be seen by UNC-Chapel Hill.

This is a glimmer of hope in what has been a long and dark tunnel for me.

Sadly, one of the reasons I am up posting this blog after midnight is that the pain continues to increase and is less well-controlled even by the narcotics I have been prescribed. But I am still hopeful that the doctors at UNC-Chapel Hill will have answers-even if I have to wait months to get seen there.

God is always good!
-Meri

Running Low on Hope

On Thursday (2/4/16), I had a D&C and endometrial biopsy.  Thankfully the biopsy came back clean-no cancer. Sadly, this procedure has caused my chronic pelvic pain to increase dramatically.

I made some judgement errors in trying to take the next step in trying to solve this new chronic pain issue (I say new because I have been dealing with fibromyalgia for several years whereas this pelvic pain has only been a problem for about 8 months).

I knew my surgeon was going to discharge me because there is nothing more surgically she can do. Her plan was to refer me to a pain clinic in UNC-Chapel Hill (which is about 2 hours from us). In an attempt to save us time and money (and not really understanding the difference between the types of pain clinics), I found a closer pain clinic in our local area. And I made the mistake of signing the "contract" with him.

For those of you who are not familiar with "pain contracts" it basically says you will only get your meds from that doctor and no one else can prescribe, not even an ER, without the pain doctor's permission.

So after my surgical procedure, my surgeon prescribed a couple of weeks worth of pain medication, but I could not fill it because the pain doctor would not allow it until the 25th.

So in 2 days we have spend $600 on ER visits trying to get pain relief. One doctor gave me an IM (intramuscular) injection of dilaudid which gave me about 5 hours of relief. Tonight I managed to get a prescription for 15 percocet 5 mg which should get me through about 2 days.

I am not a drug addict. I am a pain sufferer. There is a very significant difference, but federal regulations have doctors terrified to prescribe the meds that pain sufferers, both chronic and acute, really need.

I am frustrated. I have been seeking answers for these issues for many months. I have been told by 3 physicians that "it's all in my head" and there is nothing wrong with me. I have been to more ERs, doctors, hospitals, and clinics than I thought I visit in a lifetime. 

I have been treated terribly at times, but many times I have been treated well. Usually there is at least one caregiver (typically a nurse-props to all my nurse friends out there) that is kind and caring.

Now I am going to ask you to do something. Please pray for me and my family, this chronic illness effects all of us. Pray that we find answers at Chapel Hill. Pray my pain is at least bearable until I can get it correctly managed.

Blessings,

Meri

Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

"Your Hands" -JJ Heller

I love the lyrics to this song. They speak directly to my heart. It's as if they were written for me for this exact time in my life.

I have unanswered prayers--sometimes God's response to prayer is silence, He is teaching me to wait

I have trouble I wish wasn't there-oh how I wish my health troubles were not here!

I have asked a thousand ways, that you would take my pain away-as I lay curled up in pain with tears streaming down my face, I have asked this repeatedly.  This is one of the hardest concepts for me to understand, but I know He works all things for good.

I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land-my husband and I struggle every day to figure out how to walk through this hard time in our lives. We are weary, the landscape is sparse and dry and each step feels like a struggle.

Your hands that shaped the world are holding me-God, the Great Creator, the One who spoke all things into existence, the all powerful, omnipotent, omniscient, God. He holds my little speck of a life, a life that sometimes feels worthless to me (but not to Him), a life that is often a mess, He holds my life in His hands. mind.blown.

Music speaks to me. I know that not everyone shares that feeling, but my favorite form of worship is through music. I truly believe God speaks through music and sends the right songs at the right time to those of us who are listening.

Blessings,
Meri

Community

Recently, my dear friend and I were discussing the concept of community. Specifically how community applies to individuals or families that are suffering from chronic/invisible illness.

I think it is somewhat simple to come together as a community and care for a friend or family member that has an acute issue-whether that is a short-term illness, or new baby, or job loss.  Members of our community in these cases, usually band together and organize a meal plan, visitation plan, and plans to help with basic issues such as house cleaning and child care.

Eventually the acute issue passes and everyone's lives return to some sort of normal.

But what happens when the trouble is not temporary. What happens when a family or individual has a chronic illness.

I know I posted on this briefly the other day, so this post is more of the evidence of God meeting where where I need Him. 

In the past few days:

• I have had a dear friend come and essentially clean my house from top to bottom, love on my children, and prepare us meals that we can cook while I am recovering from surgery. 
• I have had another dear,  but still somewhat new friend, offer to come to my house a couple of days each week and help with home-school, cooking, cleaning, and just entertaining the kids.
• My Momma is driving 4+ hours just to be with me. To physically be by my side and pray over me.

This is how you do community people. DO NOT be afraid to ask. Either way-don't be afraid to ask if someone needs help, and don't be afraid to express your needs to your community.

God loves you and does not want to see your tears. He wants to use His people to heal you and help you in your time of need.

Blessings,
Meri

Humbled By Being Loved

My mother is coming on Wednesday to be with me and my family as we go through the process of my D&C and biopsy.  I am so thankful that she will be here to ride the roller coaster of emotions we are in store for.

However, as every daughter can probably agree, I fell this inane need to deep clean my house before she arrives. Call it my need to prove I can keep it all together, or just a need to be as good a mom as I remember her being when I was a kid.

So today, my sweet friend, Meredith (I know-great name!) came over. I had asked her to help me supervise the kids doing the chores that needed to get done by the time my Momma got here Wednesday night.

Instead, she showed up with food and made us chili for today, a crock-pot meal for tomorrow and a casserole for Wednesday. She also scrubbed my kitchen from top to bottom, worked on laundry and engaged my girls in each activity while allowing me to get some much-needed work caught up on.

She just showed up.

That is what God calls us to do, when one of our brothers or sisters is in crisis or walking a hard and weary path, just show up. He has given us each given us gifts that can benefit others in ways we may not even understand.

So, thank you, Meredith, for just showing up.

And, thank you, Lord, for Meredith....and cake, thank you for cake and someone to eat it with.

Blessings,
Meri